Maya’s gifts since | Maya's Gifts


Memories and dreams

When I think of “grief”, I think of so many emotions swirled into one. Grief carries me in so many different directions. The most familiar one is a place of sadness. Then there is the depth of the sadness. It can be a tap on the shoulder or it can go deep. But grief has…

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Uncharted territory, still

There was a time that I wondered, “is my identity forever going to be defined by our tragic loss?”  Here we are, over five years since Maya left us, and I am answering my own question.  Simply put, yes.  With time, my relationship to being the mom of our precious teenage daughter, Maya, who took…

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There are some memories that are so vivid, that as I replay each second, it seems to stretch out.  Each moment lasts hours.  I can feel see facial expressions, hear tones, embrace conversations, and have a sense of the feelings as if I am living them today.  In a way, I am.  The imprints are…

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Twenty in 2020

There is something significant about today.  Yes, 2020 is a new decade for us all.  September 1, 2020 is Maya’s 20th birthday.  While I generally know how to express myself, it seems like there is a word I cannot put my finger on in the English language.  I am experiencing a paradox around time.  There…

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“Say you’re sorry!”  These words echo inside of me as if it were yesterday.  They were words that my dad would yell at us, when my sisters and I would fight.  I trust that he had good intentions.  This is the best that he could do with teaching us about conflict resolution.  If I knew…

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Maya’s voice

I remember giving birth to each of my children.  The immediate, intense love was like that of no other.  This love was an incredible force that surged through my entire being.  As new as these babies were, it was if I had known them forever.  What a precious moment; I wanted to freeze time.  At…

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It’s Maya’s 18th birthday today.  It is a big one. I am sitting in the room, where Maya was born.  I remember the feeling, waking up that morning that, “today is the day.”  Five hours later, she was in our arms. Some say, “how fortunate; you were blessed with such a quick labor!” I would…

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A letter to Maya’s friends

Dear Graduating Class of 2018, I honor you.  This milestone is remarkable for any teen.  It is even more remarkable for you. You have had your community, our community to hold you.  As you graduate and move on, there will not be the shoulder of a friend in the hallway, the knowing when someone looks…

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I remember when I began to come up for air after Maya took her life.  I began to think about all of the landmarks that I would miss.  Learning to drive and getting a license, graduating from high school, doing work in Nepal, college, exploring career opportunities, relationships, perhaps marriage, a family. I also remember…

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Another sort of gift

When I started writing, I chose to call this blog, “Maya’s Gifts.”  Here is a little excerpt from the “About” page: Maya’s life was a gift.  I believe the saying that there is no loss greater than that of a child.  I am living with this loss, deeply.  It is one that I never wish…

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