I remember when I began to come up for air after Maya took her life. I began to think about all of the landmarks that I would miss. Learning to drive and getting a license, graduating from high school, doing work in Nepal, college, exploring career opportunities, relationships, perhaps marriage, a family.
I also remember that first autumn when Maya left us, sunset after sunset, each was more extraordinary. How could this be?
Since October 2015, I have ridden many waves. Many came when I expected them; birthdays, anniversaries and Mother’s Day. I anticipate these with so much anxiety. Others pulled me under in ways I didn’t quite expect, like now, when I am slammed by a tidal wave that knows no bounds. Although I was not prepared, in my darkness, I had an “ah ha moment.” Of course. This is when Maya would be graduating high school. She should be among her friends, many of whom were with her since preschool. But she is not here. We should be rejoicing together now. But “should” does not work.
The only thing I know is that I am being pulled under. I am thinking, “This is it. I am done.” For those long moments, hours or days, I am done; I allow myself to fully feel the doneness. A part of me understands, in those times, why people turn to substances, exhibit unhealthy behaviors or retreat into depression, as it is so deeply painful. I know this pain now. It has been over two and a half years. I am learning that in time, the current will calm. I will surface and exhale again and may even enjoy the water.
I noticed this spring, that the fragrances from the blossoming flowers have been more fragrant than ever before. How can this be?
photo on top taken on Mother’s Day, 2014 at Bonticou Crag