There are some memories that are so vivid, that as I replay each second, it seems to stretch out. Each moment lasts hours. I can feel see facial expressions, hear tones, embrace conversations, and have a sense of the feelings as if I am living them today. In a way, I am. The imprints are deep and are a part of me.
This is how memories of Maya’s last week were for me. It is also how the morning of her passing was. As I slow down and relive them, I savor each memory, each moment in time. My heart is shattered and full concurrently and tears have a life of their own as they roll. The fullness comes from being in the moment; being in the memory as if it were now. I experience the richness of that time with my daughter again in my heart-mind. Living in the moment is how I wish to live. This is how Maya lived. Her life was always so full and in the moment. She helped to teach me about this. I continue to learn this lesson.
It’s a challenging time of year. Many moments are dark. Maya’s birthday, the holidays which are such a reflective time, the anniversary of her death and her Yahrzeit (which is today, this year). At some point, what I think is a joke got introduced. National Daughter’s Day appeared on the calendar. It is really no joke at all, but a test, another test. In the depth of the darkness, I swallow my own medicine. I have no choice but to be in the darkness. When I come up for air, with my head spinning, I feel a sense of wonder. How can this be? Not only how can it be that Maya is not with us. How can it be that I am even here? I recently shared with Mathew that it is truly remarkable that we are still here. His response is that it is a miracle.
What is the gravity? How is it possible to be here?
- Knowing that I will get out of the darkness. As much as I have times of getting slammed, I also know that there is fun to be had, dances to dance, mountains to climb, places to visit, social change to activate, experiences to share with others and life to live.
- The voice inside that says, “I am not done, I’ve got more to do.” I don’t have this one figured out. I am doing my life and exploring at the same time. What is my purpose? I know this existential question is something we all ponder. In moments like this, it feels magnified.
- Loving connections. My family. My friends and the wider community. You keep me here. I believe that even when you think of me, I receive your loving energy.
These photos were taken during my last weekend with Maya in September 2015. We had a Mother/ Daughter weekend. We scheduled it for the full moon on Cape Cod. Such cherished memories.