YOU MATTER!!!

August 16, 2015

Dear Maya,

According to the Hebrew calendar, it is your birthday, as you were born on the first day of Elul.  You were born with a new moon, which always marks the beginning of a new month.  Elul (I am learning), is the month before the New Year.  It is a time to love, both within and all around.  What an auspicious day.  And I’m not surprised as you are a very auspicious person.

As I write, you are sleeping during the mid-morning hours, in your tent, here at the North of Highland Campground.  I learn more and more about you all the time. Yesterday, while at the bay, after taking a dip and being there for a short while, you proclaimed that you do not like the beach.  You like being in the water, but you do not like to hang out there.  You asked to bike ride on your own back to the campsite and we agreed.  I’m not sure if it’s true or not.  Is it really that you don’t like the beach?  Or is it that you are having a hard time in general and would rather be in a quiet place under the safety of the home we created here, by the big, beautiful white tarp, reading or listening to music in the hammock?  I don’t know.  But it’s okay.  Maya, you have always known when you need to take space for yourself.  I could give you dozens of examples here that date back to early childhood, but I’d rather talk about something else that came up.

From where I sit, you have been in a funk.  You have been spending most of your time alone, and when asked a question, we hear just a one-word response.  While this may not be too unusual, what I’ve also noticed is that your inner light is not shining so brightly.  It’s been dimmer and dimmer.

A couple of days ago, you asked me, “mom, what do you think of me going to therapy?”  I responded that it’s not just you, but I think that therapy is good for anyone who is interested in working on themselves.  A good therapist can be supportive and help a person explore from an objective position.  You said that you wanted therapy and I let you know, when we return, I’ll line it up for you.  What I didn’t tell you, but I’m letting you know now, that I think that it’s great that you asked for this.

At a similar time, you mentioned a feeling that you might have a UTI.  You had one right before Rowe, for which you took an antibiotic.  You asked that we get cranberry juice and we did.  I hadn’t heard anything about this since.  I asked yesterday how you were doing with it and just heard, “fine.”  I suggested we go to the doctor here and though you said we didn’t need to, you said, “okay.”

The nurse practitioner explained that normally, when the sample is looked at, if one is positive, then it takes a minute for the specimen to turn pink.  Yours turned bright fuchsia in three seconds.  You have a serious urinary tract infection.  With the nurse practitioner, we discussed causes and treatments.  But later I spoke with you personally.  This was my message to you:

YOU MATTER!!!  Though you are likely not feeling too good about yourself and have the sense of “it’s not that bad”, or “I don’t want to inconvenience anyone”, or “I am not worth it”, YOU MATTER!!!   You should not walk around feeling even a little sick.  And if you feel that you don’t matter to you, I assured you that you definitely matter to me!

A little foot note here- I told you in the doctor’s parking lot that I wanted to talk with you.  I asked you where this should be.  In a special spot in P-Town?  At the campsite?  You said we should talk at the campsite.  During our car ride back, you were thinking that I was going to talk with you about your moodiness.  You mentioned this to me after the, “YOU MATTER!!!” talk.  Well that helped me segue into words that I wanted to express.  Even if you are in a bad mood, or behave in a way to intentionally push me away, it won’t work.  I will still be here for you because no matter what, you matter to me!

At this, you mentioned that at times, you need your space.  I certainly understand this, but we’ll have to find other ways to express this.

Enough said for now.  We’re on vacation in a beautiful place.  A place that is forever changing, but feels familiar at the same time.  I have hope.

• Therapy soon
• Antibiotics at work wiping out that nasty infection
• Knowing to balance beach and non-beach time
• Relief to know you heard me