When I was a young adult, my mom shared with me, “Elise, it is not for me that I’d want you to have children. For me, it’s not about being a grandmother. I would want for you to experience the joy that you and your sisters gave me. You have given me such joy. Know that children are a gift”.
After having my first child, Adin, I understood. There was no love greater. I knew that I had to have another child. That’s right, it was not a wanting; this was a visceral need. Mathew, my husband, neither needed nor wanted to have another child. For him, it would be his third, as Sasha was his first (from another marriage). At the time, he felt that two was enough. Mathew and I are really good at compromise, but when it came to this decision, there was no way to have half a child. We processed, went to therapy, soul searched and finally Mathew shared, “Elise, after all of this, I still do not want to have another child. But I understand how important this is to you. I love you so much, that I want to give you a gift.”
Maya was born on September 1, 2000. She took her life on October 2, 2015. Maya’s life was a gift. I believe the saying that there is no loss greater than that of a child. I am living with this loss, deeply. It is one that I never wish on anyone. And as the days and weeks go on, I continue to uncover gifts that I’m learning from Maya; even after her passing.
Since September 2000, I’ve kept a “Maya Journal”. I made a commitment to myself to record at least a little something in it monthly. This blog shares both entries from the many volumes of my Maya Journals and current reflections. I hope that you find a gift in all that I’m sharing with you.