Ratatouille
I had been intentionally not making calls from the blue tooth in my car, as in “History”, Maya’s name and number still appeared. On some level, seeing “Maya” appear there, as I’d scroll through the calls, gave me the illusion that I’ve spoken with Maya recently. It’s been comforting.
It was the same impulse inside of me that jumped when Mathew was taking the ratatouille out of the freezer to have for dinner. “NO!” That was leftovers from one of the last meals Maya and I ate together. I can hear her teasing me, “Mom, I know. It’s from the CSA vegetables. All I hear is, ‘CSA, CSA’, are you infatuated with that CSA?” She loved to tease. Well that night (Mathew was out of town, and of course, Adin away at school); Maya had the idea of having the ratatouille, while watching “Ratatouille” in bed. Great idea; Macabee joined us too. I loved the meal, the movie, and being under the covers. Mother and daughter, like two little kids. There were some movies we’d never tire of. It was a great night.
I’m not sure when I’ll be eating that leftover ratatouille with vegetables from our local CSA, but I’m sure it will be a time mixed with tears. Tears too, rolled this evening, as I checked my call history, and Maya’s name was not there. Where did it go? I want it back. I want her back. I miss her so. It’s so painful…I miss our precious Maya so.
Oh, dear Elise, I’m so, so sorry… I understand your pain.
Thank you Mark. I’m just holding on.
Dear Elise, As I was waking from my sleep early this morning, my mind was filled with thoughts of you and the concept of “letting go” (this was before I saw your reply). And I thought, (based on the teachings which I have received and my practice and understanding of this concept) if the way out of suffering is a continuous letting go (of thoughts, feelings, sensations, etc., etc., etc…. letting each moment just be, then watching it pass), how could it be possible to let go of something so beloved and cherished (beyond all measures) as a child…and furthermore, why would I want to?! How could I? And why wouldn’t I want to hold onto every thought, memory, feeling, anything that I could hold onto to keep that precious being close to me?! And I thought, I don’t know how I would be able to deal with this. This seems to be the ultimate dilemma…. it’s almost a holding on and letting go at the same time….moment by moment…..peace enters one moment….followed by more turbulence….more peace….and she’ll always be at your side. I know you will find your peace.
I’m definitely not at the “letting go” place. Right now, I’m working on being with what is. And work, it is.
Elise — wrapping you in love.
Susanna- gratitude.
Thank you for sharing this, Elise. Your writing/ thoughts are powerful. I think of you so often.
I am glad to be sharing, Nancy. I feel your support.
I have a little notebook Jacob made at ps107. So that is what, close to half a century ago? Every time I see it I imagine his finger prints are still on it, so I am close as a touch away. I say this only as a round about way of saying the heart holds onto what it wants, and honoring that is part of our love. Those desires, for me strengthen at these times of the year when we are so aware of gatherings for all the rituals and holy days we, humanity, observe with our solstice Xoxox
I’m overwhelmed right now, Anne-Marie. I am holding on so tightly now. What will be in ten, twenty, thirty years?
Thank You for sharing this. Your words are very powerful. I am not in your shoes now but I can totally relate to wanting to preserve all traces of Maya. The meal, the movie, the experience with Maya, the call history.
How can this be? Even for me, outside your family, so hard to fathom.
Yes to it all, and to much more.
I love you. xox
xox back to you. This reminds me; Maya and I had our differences about which are the hugs and which are the kisses. What do you think?
Hmmm…..interesting. I always thought that the “o”s were for hugs…as I envision having a circle of arms around you. I am curious what you and Maya thought…..
Today….I am sending even more of my ooo’s.
SuSu, I was from your school. Maya shared that the “o” was the kiss, as one would purse their lips; the “x” was their arms crossed around the huggee’s back. oxo, LiLi
Love that. <3
Love you.
this very week my daughter asked me for my ratatouille recipe; she’s always hated eggplant, but is ready to give it a try. And I too have fond memories of snuggling with her, watching that wonderful movie “Ratatouille”…
maybe the thought of all the mothers and daughters snuggling can bring her back in spirit…
i love you, Elise
Leslie
…maybe, yes, maybe.
I am you in heartache.
Though I don’t wish heartache on you dear Ruth, I know that sharing it, softens it a bit for me.
Dear Elise,
I have read and reread this entry several times a day since you posted it. I was not sure why I kept coming back to it. All of your post have touched me deeply but this one brought me back to that day and how I stayed after school and searched through the Lilly Journals to find Maya’s entry. To see her picture and touch her writing and know that I was a witness to a year of her life. I appreciate you sharing these writings.
Thinking of you everyday,
Lilly
I am with you Lilly, I am so very with you.
Precious Elise,
It’s taken me these many days to react to your story and your expression of pain, as my heart wrenches up when I read your words. One very comforting thing though has jumped out at me when picturing Maya teasing you and coming up with her “ratatouille” in bed with “Ratatouille”. With the sadness and despair she was experiencing, she still maintained her humor, closeness and love with you. I want you to have her back…. such an amazing mother daughter bond you two had. How can life be so unfair…….
Thank you, Jody.
Thank you. Love you.
Such a beautiful and poignant sharing. A heartache — one swell in a seemingly endless tide of heartache. Profound loss seems so much a trap, a wound we cannot heal and don’t want to heal, there is no matter of “getting better” here. I think you are right to let the wound to stay open and breathe; live with it, to want to share through it. Grief as a doorway, for your heart to connect still with Maya’s, for ours to connect with yours; grief as a wound that adds on, changes us, becomes part of our eyes and voice, widens the gate through which we can love and feel.
Deep appreciation, Mike.