Double helix
Our family had an amazing opportunity in traveling to Italy and France in the summer of 2011. While in France, we visited a couple of Chateaux in the Loire Valley. We were enamored by the architectural centerpiece of the Chateau de Chambord. It was a “double helix”, two spiral staircases intertwined. I share this image because I can relate to it now. It seems to reflect my grief process and that of the community.
It is clear to me that there are so many people holding our family. For simplicity, I’m going to talk about just me now. I know that I’m being held. You are keeping me in your thoughts, hearts, and prayers. To this end, I know that you are grieving with me. You are sharing my grief, and in some, I’ll say magical way, it is helping me. “It could have been us”, is a term that I’ve heard widely since October 2nd. The teenage years are challenging at best; so many are holding on by a thread. “It could have been us,” you say, “anyone of us.” Aside from your love, it is the intense identification with our loss that you have been sharing the weight of our family’s grief. This is one of the staircases.
The other is the feeling spiraling inside of me is that it WAS me. It IS our family. I am mourning a deep, deep loss, as Maya left us tragically by suicide at age 15. While I am grieving my own loss so intensely on such a personal level, I am carrying this grief for you. I am the mother that lost her daughter; I am living your realization that “it could have been any of us”.
We are grieving with one another. For me, there is a distinct difference in the analogy of the double helix staircase and my perception of our intertwined grieving process. The staircase was masterfully designed so that a person ascending or descending one staircase could not see someone traveling the other. In the double helix image that I have for me and the community, the walls are transparent. We clearly see one another.
I find myself reading each post, every comment and each thoughtful reply. I also find myself wanting to press the emoticon, the “like” button, the yes, I hear you, I understand, Oh my, Yes, Yes, Yes.
And in a blog, we don’t so easily express acknowledgement, with an uh-huh, that we are here, we are reading, we are listening, we are grokking.
And so, we may not comment with words, with saying we are thankful. We are. Keep writing, sharing. We are grateful and we are Here.
Hi Jonnie, we’re in it together, as I too, am with you and all the others that are commenting.
Wow! Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. I love your image of the transparent walls. Community, the group soul is so vital! It’s the true sustenance.
I do wonder if it’s possible that as we ascend and descend these walls in our lives, there is a great protection that we cannot see the one passing us on the other side?
If the walls were always transparent, would we truly get to where we are going? Probably through Grace.
In my life, I’ve learned that sharing the depths of myself is an absolute responsibility. However, I have also learned to ascend and descend that staircase (rabbithole…. reminds me of Alice in Wonderland). Diving deeply into the point of engagement and merging with the universe, my souls resting place and home, I emerge.
No longer feeling worldly fatigue, and with knowledge refreshed, it’s then ripe enough to be shared with love. This is my offering. Blessings I AM with you, Elise
Elise…It’s Anne Langer I am reading every word ….I don’t know what is correct to say…I have no “right” ones…I am here reading every word .AEB
Thank you Anne, deep thanks.
We are here.
Know that I deeply appreciate knowing that you are here. xox
Your words…deeply felt treasures. Three bows in all directions for you, Elise.
Dear Elise,
I am not a big face book user but have read your blog a few times. I am so sorry for your loss and inspired by your strength to share your grieving and travels with Mayas’s memories. My nephew took his life a few years ago at the age of 16. One can never understand the depth of feeling and rashness of a teen. If you would like I can put you in touch with my brother and his wife who lost their son.
Love to you,
Lisa
Lisa Sobieniak
Dear Lisa,
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. When I am ready, I’ll ask for your brother and sister-in-law’s contact information.
Sending love,
Elise
Right here by your side taking in, learning from what you’re sharing and wanting to carry some of that load. Amazed by your chronicles and your insight.
Claire, you are carrying some of the load. Believe me. Just by being here by my side, you are sharing. I honestly don’t know what I’d be doing or how I’d be doing, if it weren’t for the amazing outpouring of treasured friends (and people I don’t even know) that are here by my side. Thank you and love you.
Beautiful. Insightful. Wow, you are putting in words what we have no words for. Thank-you.
Dawn, this first came to me when you took me back to my first dance class. It was a very strong image that I had during class. Being surrounded by the dancers, mostly mothers. I am s/he as you are we…
Please count my spirit among those that are sharing this journey, at once horrified, healing, intensely questioning, knowing, un-knowing, and appreciating that you are expressing the many layers, counting us in, giving us the chance to be part of the support system, saying so much of it for us, when we don’t know what to say.
Sending love and reading every post.
Love,
Bonnie
Dear Bonnie,
Just a quick note to say that I’m with you in your particular grief, as Maya’s bat mitzvah tutor. I understand the special bond you shared with Maya, and the loss you feel. Not easy. Not easy.
much love,
Yael
Dear Elise,
You’ve discovered the power of metaphor! Yasher koach. What exists physically, exists analogously as inner reality too. You might find a physical parallel in yoga or dance or weaving or art or music that also embodies the double helix. Some yoga balancing postures require holding the tension of opposite or parallel energies. What you can master on the outside, you can accept on the inside. Not easy but worth exploring.
Also “ahava raba” comes to mind as I read what you’ve written. “You are loved by an unending love . . . ”
hugs,
Yael
Thank you Yael. I will be open to exploring this. And funny you should mention “ahava raba” as recently, I’ve been moved by a song that Shir Yaakov has introduced to me with a new melody, “you are loved, loved, loved by an unending love, an unending love.”
Thank you Bonnie for the love. I’m getting it.
I am with you every step of the way Elise. When I saw that this blog post was about paradox, I just knew you were speaking to all of us. Still Together.
Still beautiful. Still heartbreaking.
Love,
Darcy
Thank you dear Darcy. Yes. Together, beautiful and heartbreaking.
Such a raw, vulnerable piece. Thank you for sharing your most intimate thoughts with such bravery
And thank you Kellyann, for holding these thoughts.