Calling
My grandparents came to the U.S. from Eastern Europe around the turn of the century. They were called to make a better life for themselves and generations to come. I grew up knowing that my parents had met at a “party”. It wasn’t until my early twenties that I learned that it was the Communist Party they had been referring to. Their calling was to be socially active in the civil rights movement. I savored stories of my roots, learning of their acts of civil disobedience and organizing activities. They gave me the gift of working towards social change and justice. I was called to express my voice; standing up for what I believed to be right in many ways over the decades.
Maya’s incredible spirit called herself into our family. We called one another. Our family life was very rich. We loved, laughed, explored, squabbled, created, traveled, annoyed, nurtured, cherished, grew, wondered and experienced life fully together. Maya was called to touch so many people in deeply profound ways.
Now, as we are weaving the threads of an unraveled tapestry back together, I am called to let you know some answers. Lab results from Maya’s blood work at the time of her death have been provided to us. She had 6-10 times the normal dosage of an over the counter medication, Mucinex DM, in her system as well as high levels of liquid cough suppressant. It’s the DM in drugs that when taken in large dosages cause hallucinations, euphoria, disinhibited and dissociative thinking. We learned (from others) that Maya had been taking Mucinex DM for about two and a half to three weeks before her death. What a very, very quick spiral occurred.
Maya did not die from an overdose. It is my firm belief that the amount of drugs that were in her system led her to take her life. Was she thinking about doing so before? I don’t think so. But if she had been sad or depressed, and dealing with the pressures and struggles of being a teen, the DM was toxic. The quantity of the DM in her system muted the voice of reason; that voice assuring her she could get through it to the other side. The disinhibiting side effects of the drugs along with the hallucinatory voices calling to end her life were amplified.
We also gained access to texts. I’ll share that many of the texts that we read were very, very sweet. They revealed dear friendships, a lot of joking, some philosophical discussions, talk about school, and deep levels of love and caring. I treasured reading so many of these exchanges. Then there were the darker texts. These reflected a culture that is so scary to me. I imagine that they were horrifying for Maya, whose soul is so very sensitive. I sense that the words and messages shared would be overwhelming for anyone. But I’m told that “this is the teen culture”. If this is the teen culture, then something must change.
I am not yet ready to share details in this public domain; perhaps I never will. Generally speaking, the texts revealed that the culture is laden with sexism, expectations of casual sex, abuse of over the counter drugs, and sometimes a lack of awareness of adults (both at home and at school) of what teens are doing.
There needs to be more positive role models, coping skills taught, places where teens can go if they are in trouble. Friends need to be able to learn ways to reach out and help their friends, and if they cannot be successful doing it directly, to be able to ask adults for support. Adults need support too. Parents, school staff, and healthcare practitioners need to learn ways to support teens and what to do if the kids need help. Healthy alternatives are needed. There is a lack of programs that kids can engage in and places to go. Parties need better supervision, and the youth would benefit from ways to volunteer. Above and beyond everything else, respectful, loving relationships need to be a priority. Boys need to learn how to respect girls. Girls need to learn tools to stand up to or walk away from boys that disrespect them.
This blog is called, “Maya’s Gifts”. I’ve been sharing gifts from her lifetime here and gifts that I’ve been discovering internally, with my family and in the community. What I’ve just shared with you are bitter gifts. Mathew and I are called to make positive change. We will start here, in New Paltz. My hope and wish is that this positive change will take root and flourish. We’ve started a foundation in Maya’s name. Its mission is to empower youth to access their inner wisdom and realize their dreams. Check out the seeds of this organization by visiting the website and kindly let me know your ideas. http://www.mayagoldfoundation.org/
In March 2012, Maya was called to make some signs and put them around town. Along with Mathew, she spread beauty, peacefulness, happiness and love.
Oh, Elise and Mathew. I am reading these posts as they appear but this one stopped me in my tracks. I can imagine the wave of conflicting emotions you must feel a hundred-fold to the ones I am experiencing. While it is in one way a relief to know that there was something else at work throwing Maya’s usual balanced perspective out of whack and probably answering many piercing questions, it is at the same time horrifically sad and terribly infuriating to know that this stupid and easily available substance led to the awful and permanent act that took Maya out of our lives. As I have all along, I grieve deeply with you. Tears at my desk, my deadlines shoved aside for the moment.
But you are re-directing all of that untamed emotion into positive action and I commend you for that. Hopefully I will be able to do something to support that effort (a benefit concert just popped into my head!!!).
I want to press that REBOOT UNIVERSE button! But I will have to instead tear off a little virtual love and happiness tab from that beautiful girl, dry my eyes, and get back to work. But we will try to work as a community to help prevent similar tragedies from befalling others.
With so very much love,
Bonnie
Yes, Bonnie. Yes to all of that. Love, Elise
Ohhh how I wish as parents we could stop time and reel them back in…my heart is hurting for you guys. You should be so proud of your strength ,direction, and determination .
I applaud you .!!! AEB
Dear Anne, yes. There were many moments that I wished I could have stopped the clock, and now, reel the hands of time back. And I feel awkward hearing about being proud and being applauded. At the same time, I thank you. I know that you are sharing from a very loving place. Thank you again, Anne.
Thank you for sharing this information, Elise. It explains so much.
Sending love…
Jonathan, yes. As painful as it all is, it is helpful to know. Now, we must take action and create change.
Thank you Elise for making this public. I am so proud of Mathew and you for standing up after such an overwhelming blow to committing yourselves to making the necessary changes within our culture. Having mothered two teenage daughters, I know that there are a lot of unhealthy and frightening cultural norms and expectations that teens navigate. There is power and inspiration in the alchemy of transmuting this pain into serving others. Maya’s vision lives on through you!
So Much Love,
Susan
Elise, These are such difficult issues….even though so much has changed over the years, many of the challenges facing teenagers remain the same. Both me and my sister almost didn’t make it through our teens because of similar issues and our lack of coping skills and adult support (and peer understanding) that possibly would have spared us so many years of serious struggle. I can’t help but think that despite the absolute tragedy that Maya’s death is and the pain it has caused you and yours, of all people to bring this to light… slowly, clearly, tenderly… with, at times, brutal honesty…it should be you (with Mathew and Adin). You questioned courage once…this does take courage, as these are daunting issues. This is obviously necessary to carry forth Maya’s legacy and Love and uniqueness, and to hopefully help others as she would continue to do if she were here. I support you in any way I can…
Elise, you are, right at this moment, saving lives. What you have done, and are doing, by your courageous openness, is to lift a veil away from the teenage culture that can be as destructive as it is seductive. Their minds, their beautiful minds, are just not finished yet; they are powerful, but they are swimming in adult waters, and they don’t comprehend the danger. You are so right. We have to help them, in any way we can.
I will be making a donation to the MayaGoldFoundation, in honor of her amazing spirit, and in solidarity with you, Mathew and Adin. I love the Love posters, too, and I think they may be a great Kindergarten project for my class this winter! Love, Rebecca
I’m encouraged by your words. I hope that sharing the information is the beginning of making a cultural shift. I believe it is. I’m glad too, Rebecca, that Maya’s posters have inspired you. They really were great! Please share photos and stories with me when your young students create them!
Elise, I just shared parts of this post with Sage, who is 13. It has a sparked a difficult discussion. Sage has just gained access to texting through an iPhone that was given to her. Your post provided a focal point for discussing this. You may even be saving her life.
I have to admit, I feel a lack of faith about the idea of helping teens “access their inner wisdom”. I’m not sure they have any wisdom, yet. Not sure at all. Looking back on my own teen years, I made many foolish decisions. Quite a few of them could have cost me my life. I don’t think I had any wisdom, at that age. Honestly, I wish I could help my teen accept the fact that she’s not wise yet. This morning she went out to the bus in zero degree weather wearing nothing but a vest – and she has a cold. Not very wise.
Maya’s love and happiness posters are awesome. What an amazing girl. Thank you for sharing. You’re a great mom.
Much love to you, Elise. Keep shining.
Dear Durga Yael,
I have hope and faith. Please join me.
Love you, Elise
It is all so overwhelming… and disturbing… and incredible how courageous and strong You, Mathew and Adin are as you share your journey through this tragedy with all of us… this new platform of social media that teens have at their fingertips is concerning on many levels…it is way too easy to say stupid and hurtful things hiding behind a screen…the new “normal” of communication is weird at best…you are right, elise, something needs to change…with haste…sending Love, Support, Healing, and Commitment to Change…
Dear Hannah,
I love hearing personally about your ideas of working with girls that are in middle school. I know that you will make a difference.
Your voice in this post, as in so many of the others, is so strong and clear. And you are a thousand times right. I believe that the problems you describe, which aren’t new, have become so much more insidious because of kids’ indiscriminate use of phones and social media and adults’ confusion over how to monitor and limit these potent tools. It is a very difficult subject and one we must tackle together.
Betty, I’m so glad to be in this discussion with you and others.
It’s been about a week that I have read Mathew’s and your blogs. Each one is so rich with content, reference, and compassion. So are the comments. Even before the event that took Maya’s life, I have been, as other’s, disturbed and concerned by a teen culture that is dangerous on many levels. And very often not accessible. I want to join in the initiative to creating positive support for teens along with Maya’s personal compassionate initiative. There are so many ways to help make change and right at this moment, I am thinking about how peers (of all ages) can learn more how to watch out for each other more proactively. Thank You so much in your commitment to positive change and sharing your findings. You are doing incredible work and touching all our lives. May Maya’s spirit live on.
Claire, I’m eager to hear of your ideas about the “so many ways to help make change right at this moment”. I’m with you. xox