Who am I now?

My dear friend Susan, sent me a message, “Are you enjoying your stay in Mexico?” “The simple answer,” I told her, “is yes. It is more complicated though.” Our family planned this trip last year. We have been gifted with traveling internationally since Adin and Maya were young. They’ve seen much of the world and I know that their lives have been enriched because of it. In anticipation of this trip, as well as future travel plans, Maya decided to learn Spanish. In fact, it was her favorite course during the first part of the her sophomore year in high school. (I digress…) This trip is a work-related trip for Mathew. When it came time to to make a decision about following through with the original plans for this trip, since Adin was up for it, I chose to go. A first for our family since.

Another dear friend, Marc, (who was like a second dad to Maya), soon after her death proclaimed that “we have to do everything double now; once for ourselves and once for Maya.” I was on board. In fact, I have felt myself not only “doing it double for Maya,” but doing it “with” her. So while there is a gaping hole inside of me, I feel a huge sense of Maya living with me. Always.

What this has meant so profoundly now, is not only am I doubling up on the curiosity, joy, fun and beauty, but also the despair and anguish. I took a walk “alone” yesterday, for almost four hours; what an adventure! My senses were wide open, experiencing all of the fullness of life. And now I am pondering some pearls that another teacher offered me. She cautioned, “Elise, be careful as to not absorb Maya’s voice too much.” What is too much? Where is my center, my balance? Who am I now?

Top photo from our family trip to Columbia, taken exactly one year ago today.   The other two, were from my walk yesterday, by Alameda Central, Mexico City.