Time
I’ve asked people I know that have lost one of their children, “how is it possible that you can you go on?”
My dad, 95, shared as he was stroking my hand, “time, Elise. Give it time.” He knows this one well, as my sister Steffie passed over forty years ago. Karen whispered gently to me, “time is your best friend.” Noelle’s words were that “the sadness does not go away over time, but you learn how to live with it.” And Iris let me know that the hole will still be there, but the edges will smooth out a bit.
Time. We loved the book, “A Wrinkle in Time”. I so wish time could wrinkle. Of course, the unrealistic impulse is to go back. To hear Maya’s footsteps, her voice and her laugh. I imagine so much would be different, knowing what I now know. Another wish is that I could just jump forward to a time when I have learned to live with the pain and the rough edges on the excruciating hole I feel were less jagged. Regrettably, this science fiction fantasy is not a viable option. It is all too real. I cannot fathom it, yet I am living it. I mean living it fully. The grief is with me in every breath that I take.
It is hard to believe, but during these last couple of months, I have experienced snippets of joy. I’ve had a laugh, been struck by the beauty of nature, the exquisite sunsets and felt carried away in a motion at dance. I have hope. I will have more of these experiences. And I trust that they will be more frequent. I love life too much to be completely buried in my grief. I witnessed my mom. To me, sadly, she never lived her life after Steffie died. I understand the pain; and I don’t want that to be me. I am choosing differently.
For now, I’m doing my work. My work is to just be. To ride the waves of emotions as they come. To ask for buoys to support me so I don’t drown and to remember to exhale as I come up.
You Are a beautiful soak and a beautiful writer.
Wishing less jagged edges for you and your family as the Solstice approaches, and the darkest nights give way to increasing light.
Rebecca,
Thank you for your compliment. I will indeed welcome the light!
Your writing is exquisite. The love and memories you share sublime. Your words never fail to put a knot in my throat.
Thank you, Anne-Marie, deep thanks.
Elise,
As I read this and all of your recent writing, I’m reminded of a quote: “The meeting of two eternities, the past and the future… is precisely the present moment.” -Henry David Thoreau
Peace and love
Time, what a concept. And Henry David Thoreau, had what a way with words.
Elise, the sharing of your grief is courageous and amazing and beautiful. I’m torn apart reading these and seeing the pictures of beautiful Maya, but it hits close to home (and heart), and please don’t stop because I want you to heal, and it makes me soften and feel the “full catastrophe” that life tends to be, and makes me reflect on what’s really important.
I’d love to hear more about this, Mark.
Elise
I can’t begin to tell you how moved I am by your words and your work.
Thank you, thank you
I’m so glad to know this, Rachel.
The act of writing can be such a healing thing. I hope these writings bring as much to you as they do to all of us who have the privelege of reading them. xo
Thank you Amy. I made a decision that I will only continue so long as it “feeds” me. I’m glad that you’re getting fed a bit too.
Thank you Elise. Your voice is so clear and true. Your heart is so open. We are here with you. xoxo
Kristen, deep appreciation for being here with me in all my openness.
Elise, your writing is a comfort of all who read your postings. Not knowing Maya personally she seemed to have a wonderful spirit from the pictures you posted. May her spirit be with you and may time help you with the good things that will happen in your life.
Helene, thank you. Yes, time…
Elise, reading your posts is such a gift. Thank you for sharing such personal memories and thoughts. We are all still trying to deal with the loss of Maya and to read your beautiful words helps us all feel more connected, not so alone in our grief. There is such richness and joy in what you’ve been sharing, and oh what the beautiful photos! Thank you so much. You are so courageous.
Hi Vickie,
Reading your comment is an affirmation for me to continue sharing. Thank you.
Precious Elise,
Thank you for the gift of your courage and tender sharing.
The poetry and spaciousness, the clarity and honesty, thank you.
Within this Love, I simply dissolve, and simultaneously feel Love lifted in inspiration.
Sending you the rainbows and whale songs touching now between my heart with you, the family, Maya, the unveiling and persistent call.
Thank you, love you.
Love and gratitude to you, dear Kaline
Dearest Elise,
Writing is a way, expressing is a way, feeling is a way out through the tunnel of grief. I always say, I have more loved ones on the other side, than I have here with me, living life. My losses, some from natural causes, as well as the tragic losses of beloved young lives, have taught me to understand that I have survived so much just to live and love life, more fully and deeply than ever before.
Years down the road, you may, as I did, come to the realization that you were indeed living numb in these first couple of years. Although It may appear that you were feeling, and expressing and writing your way through grief, what you’ll come to discover is that every cell in your being was covered with a protective layer of disbelief and numbness.
Initially, our actions help guide and glide us into a new evolved awareness, and at some point, when time naturally distances you from this great tragedy, you will begin to write, express and feel from the other side of disbelief and numbness. A holy space, an exquisitely deeper understanding and acceptance of what this moment in time has brought to your experience, your personal journey through time.
Maya is leading your way through the temple of Pain, and towards the temple of Light. Blessings on your continued journey. I am holding you sacred, in my heart. Peaceful blessings to you and your family.
How very precious and insightful. Thank you Mercedes.
Lovely, dark and deep, and miles to go before I sleep… I was reminded of these words while reading yours. Thank you Elise
Yes. Miles to go before I sleep.
Yasher Koach, from strength to Strength, from Moment to Moment. We are with you, Always Loving You, All ways Embracing You.
Thank you Jonnie, I know this helps. Thank you again.
Elise,
Your words are opening a window to the future for you. You should consider making this a book
Thank you dear Maxine,
It’s funny that you shared this. Writing a book was where this idea actually started. I must admit, though I was thinking of it, it seemed overwhelming at the same time. After sharing a story or two from my “Maya Journals” at a minyan, my friend, Betty suggested starting a blog. That seemed like something that I could bite for now. Who knows what is in store for the future?
Dear Elise, I’m overwhlemed with emotions…Thank you for this sensitive and inspirational blog. It is a gift of honesty, love, openess, sharing, humility and hope. Maya was a gift,that is true, and so are you. Thank you my friend.
Dear Nadia,
My heart is filled with gratitude and love.