{"id":1688,"date":"2021-07-12T21:29:00","date_gmt":"2021-07-13T01:29:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/mayasgifts.elisegold.org\/?p=1688"},"modified":"2021-07-13T09:35:11","modified_gmt":"2021-07-13T13:35:11","slug":"unchartered-territory-still","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mayasgifts.elisegold.org\/?p=1688","title":{"rendered":"Uncharted territory, still"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

There was a time that I wondered, \u201cis my identity forever going to be defined by our tragic loss?\u201d  Here we are, over five years since Maya left us, and I am answering my own question.  Simply put, yes.  With time, my relationship to being the mom of our precious teenage daughter, Maya, who took her life has shifted. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

My pain is still deep.\u00a0 With each passing day, I continue to learn how to live with pain.\u00a0 Edges of my shattered heart pieces feel a little less jagged most of the time. \u00a0Then there are moments that I get slammed.\u00a0 My analogy of being hit by a tidal wave is the closest I can come to the experience.\u00a0 I get pulled under and the current is so strong that I wonder if I will ever make it up for air.\u00a0 I feel as if I am drowning in an ocean of grief.\u00a0 Time has given me the gift of knowing that if I allow myself to go under without fighting it, I will survive.\u00a0 It is a wonder. \u00a0Years ago, I could not imagine living for another day. \u00a0I have survived many moments of this form of grief; remarkably I can find joy and gratitude.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/a>
Maya at the wedding reception of Sasha and Anders, October 2014<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

There is no planning for when the tidal waves come.\u00a0 I have learned of patterns that I experience.\u00a0 Birthdays, Mother\u2019s Day, other holidays and October 2, are so charged.\u00a0 Somehow, my mind\/heart\/body experiences something different.\u00a0 I don’t always get hit on<\/span> these particular days.\u00a0 It is during the days leading up to these dates on the calendar.\u00a0 Somehow, the internal flood gate opens up in anticipation of a date.\u00a0 Still, there is no planning.\u00a0 I had loved the book, \u201cA Wrinkle in Time\u201cand read it to all of our children as well as others.\u00a0 There was a term, \u201ctesseract\u201d.\u00a0 As I recall, this was when time itself could be folded or wrinkled; one could jump from one part of time to another.\u00a0 My wish is that I could jump over these dates and the days leading up to them.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Just last week, I got hit.  I wasn\u2019t aware or prepared as I navigated new waters.  Over the years, we have attended a few small family gatherings (Thanksgivings, Seders), but this was our first major family celebration.  We flew to Oregon to witness and celebrate the wedding of our nephew, Noah.  The last wedding our extended family celebrated was that of Anders and Sasha, Maya\u2019s sister.  Maya was there.  I see her so vividly, with such beauty and ecstasy.  The ceremony and reception of Noah\u2019s marriage to Ashlyn was full of such joy.  Then the moment of taking a photo of \u201call of the cousins\u201d came.  Wait!  They are not \u201call\u201d here!  Do we hold a place for Maya?  Do we honor her by naming her?  Would we be bringing everyone\u2019s mood down?  How do we recognize that as our family is growing, there remains a hole?  I do not want to skip over this.  I feel as if not acknowledging this emptiness is not being true to my experience, and our collective loss.  Do I hold this feeling quietly or share with others?  I continue to work on balancing my grief with gratitude.  Do others know this dance?  Do I take care of them, or are they responsible for themselves?  Are we all tip toeing as we all experience this?  Like so many other moments that have brought me to this day, I realize that there is no manual.  It is up to us to create our own manual.    <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/a>
The cousins now, in Astoria, Oregon, July 2021<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

After the event, Sasha, Mathew and I had the opportunity to share these sentiments with one another.  I was comforted in knowing that I am not alone.  There will be other occasions like this.  We will find a way to be true to ourselves, honor the grief, feel the gratitude and joy and recognize Maya.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The, \u201cyes\u201d that I mentioned above, I now embrace.\u00a0\u00a0 After all, we are all defined by the stories of our lives.\u00a0 I am stretching in all different ways.\u00a0 I am learning that I am still mothering my daughter and mothering a part of me, as Maya is a part of me.\u00a0 I can weep, I can climb mountains, I can fall and I can dance.\u00a0 Yes, I can dance at our nephew\u2019s wedding.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

There was a time that I wondered, \u201cis my identity forever going to be defined by our tragic loss?\u201d  Here we are, over five years since Maya left us, and I am answering my own question.  Simply put, yes.  With time, my relationship to being the mom of our precious teenage daughter, Maya, who took…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1688","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-gifts-since"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p720L0-re","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mayasgifts.elisegold.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1688","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mayasgifts.elisegold.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mayasgifts.elisegold.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mayasgifts.elisegold.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mayasgifts.elisegold.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1688"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/mayasgifts.elisegold.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1688\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1693,"href":"https:\/\/mayasgifts.elisegold.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1688\/revisions\/1693"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mayasgifts.elisegold.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1688"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mayasgifts.elisegold.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1688"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mayasgifts.elisegold.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1688"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}