{"id":982,"date":"2016-10-01T23:11:04","date_gmt":"2016-10-02T03:11:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/mayasgifts.elisegold.org\/?p=982"},"modified":"2016-10-01T19:42:04","modified_gmt":"2016-10-01T23:42:04","slug":"a-year","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mayasgifts.elisegold.org\/?p=982","title":{"rendered":"A Year"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"img_3211\"<\/a><\/p>\n

And so.\u00a0 Here we are.\u00a0 Has it really been a year?\u00a0 Many, if not all of the same thoughts, questions and feelings that were alive for me on October 2nd<\/sup>, 2015 have not quieted one little decibel.\u00a0 They scream and echo inside of me constantly.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow could this be?\u201d, is one that continues with practically each breath I take.\u00a0 Maya!\u00a0 Of all people!\u00a0 Shining Maya, shining inside and out!\u00a0 Didn\u2019t Maya have a wonderful, full life?\u00a0 Wasn\u2019t communication open enough?\u00a0 What did I\/we miss?\u00a0 Didn\u2019t she have the supports and tools she needed?\u00a0 Wasn\u2019t there enough love?\u00a0 How could this be?<\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s something much bigger here.\u201d\u00a0 In fact, whatever it is, I\u2019m convinced that it\u2019s huge.\u00a0 I do not accept Maya\u2019s death and cause of death at face value.\u00a0 I feel as if there is something beyond what we know at play, and I\u2019m stretching with all of my being to figure it out.<\/p>\n

\"img_3252\"<\/a><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat about destiny, fate?\u201d\u00a0 Was this meant to be on some level?\u00a0 Of course, as a mom, whose children mean the world to her, I shout a resounding, \u201cNO!!!\u201d\u00a0 A child is never to predecease their parents.\u00a0 I know that accidents happen.\u00a0 And disease.\u00a0 But I keep circling around to what about a soul\u2019s journey?\u00a0 Related to this, how much does choice weigh in here?\u00a0 Questions about Maya\u2019s soul choosing us and we choosing her for this path.\u00a0 It\u2019s all so curious to me.<\/p>\n

I have been a believer that with challenges, come lessons; with crisis comes opportunity.\u00a0 \u201cWhat are the lessons for me here?\u00a0 for my family?\u00a0 for our community?\u201d\u00a0 I am stuck here.\u00a0 I don\u2019t believe that losing Maya was or ever will be worth any lessons yet to unfold.<\/p>\n

\"img_3281\"<\/a><\/p>\n

With all of these questions, there are some things that I have come to know.<\/p>\n

It was the drugs. \u00a0Maya was not of clear mind.\u00a0 If she had not been on those drugs, she would never have taken her life.<\/p>\n

The only way through it is to be in it.\u00a0 I have never felt so much pain.\u00a0 In those moments, hours, sometimes days of agony, I feel as if there is no getting out.\u00a0 I feel, \u201cdone\u201d.\u00a0 I cannot take it.\u00a0 But there I am.\u00a0 Taking it.\u00a0 I speak of waves; they make for a very good analogy.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been thrown under by ocean waves and they are so powerful that there is no fighting them.\u00a0 This grief at times feels like a tsunami.\u00a0 It is a wonder how humans can endure such pain.<\/p>\n

I am\u00a0determined to live my life fully.\u00a0 That means, to find a way to find some joy.\u00a0 This takes work.\u00a0 It is a discipline to start the day.\u00a0 I push.\u00a0 I spoke of being done a moment ago. \u00a0I know that I\u2019m not done.\u00a0 I have work to do and a life to live.\u00a0 Inside this life, I am working to find moments of beauty, joy, laughter and connection.\u00a0 I am thankful that they are there.\u00a0 I am grateful for memories and I stretch to make new ones.<\/p>\n

\"img_3288\"<\/a><\/p>\n

My belief in love goes beyond anything I\u2019ve experienced before.\u00a0 The love I have for Maya and actually feel from her are so palpable.\u00a0 I also know deep in my heart that we are being showered with love; near and far.\u00a0 This is palpable too.\u00a0 It\u2019s actually quite extraordinary.\u00a0 I do feel the love pouring in and it is what keeps me going.\u00a0 Honestly.<\/p>\n

I keep circling around to life\u2019s mysteries.\u00a0 When having a discussion, seeking answers, Rabbi Rena shared that there is one thing that she knows to be true. \u00a0It is the mystery of life. \u00a0As frustrating as this is, I get it.\u00a0 We will always have questions.\u00a0 Many of these questions will always remain unanswered.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s interesting to me that this first anniversary of Maya\u2019s passing falls on Erev Rosh Hashanah, the eve of the New Year.\u00a0 What does this New Year hold?\u00a0 A year ago, I never thought that I\u2019d be here to ask this question.\u00a0 I could not see beyond the moment to the next day.\u00a0 And here we are.\u00a0 It has really been a year.<\/p>\n

\"img_3293\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I miss her so.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

And so.\u00a0 Here we are.\u00a0 Has it really been a year?\u00a0 Many, if not all of the same thoughts, questions and feelings that were alive for me on October 2nd, 2015 have not quieted one little decibel.\u00a0 They scream and echo inside of me constantly. \u201cHow could this be?\u201d, is one that continues with practically…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-982","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-gifts-since"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p720L0-fQ","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mayasgifts.elisegold.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/982","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mayasgifts.elisegold.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mayasgifts.elisegold.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mayasgifts.elisegold.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mayasgifts.elisegold.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=982"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/mayasgifts.elisegold.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/982\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":991,"href":"https:\/\/mayasgifts.elisegold.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/982\/revisions\/991"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mayasgifts.elisegold.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=982"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mayasgifts.elisegold.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=982"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mayasgifts.elisegold.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=982"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}