Silk
Silk. It is as if there is nothing but a sheer, delicate layer of silk between me and whatever is out there. I do not remember being more open in all of my life. This openness is touching me on different levels. I am walking around with a heightened sensitivity. It is touching all of my senses, my heart, my mind and spirit.
The beauty of the world is even more striking than before. Fragrances are stronger. Sounds, too. I can very easily go into sensory overload, so I am careful about where I choose to go.
My heart feels transparent. The depth of feelings seems infinite. I honestly did not know that I was capable of this level of feeling. Awestruck by beauty, but also feelings of anxiety, rage and sadness, profound sadness. And as the tears flow out, I have been able to let the love of others flow in. It is that love that is carrying me. Love from you, near and far is holding me now. I have been so open that I’ve said, “Yes,” to all offers of kindness.
This is my state of being. This new awareness of my needs serves me well. I am able to be clear about what feeds me and what does not. It is an armor of silk, shielding my fragile being.
Ah, and yes. The silk that I’m wearing is also allowing me to feel Maya. I sense her constantly. Maya is most definitely with me. Always.
In October 2014, when Maya and Ana were at the wedding of Sasha and Anders, they borrowed Connie’s camera. Unbeknownst to Connie, they took a couple of hundred photos. Thank you Connie, for co-creating this video. The silks were sewn and dyed by Linda Lutz, Anders’s mom.
Elise,
As the oldest woman in our family now, I feel a deep need to protect, to shield and love you like only a mother can do. I know that you have so many loving friends who want to do the same thing, and they are a stones throw away. I believe you know and but will whisper gently in your ear, that I love you and will always be there, in any and all ways that you need.
With all my love, Elise,
Jody
Beautiful!
Sending you love…. Nothing but love. What an extraordinary collection of pictures. I feel for her close friends. What a journey. I am with you🙏
Thank you, Elise. I just commented on Mathew’s post and now I want to same the same to you – your writing is so elegant and communicative. I deeply appreciate you sharing your experience this way. I am learning and traveling with you.
Love,
Rabbi Jonathan
Dear Elise- To me, a picture is worth more than a thousand words! Some pictures are priceless!!! This collection is but one example. Maya was nature. Everything about her! As always, thank you for sharing her with us. Love to you, Mathew, Sasha & Adin
Speechless.
I feel I’m getting to know Maya, piece by piece, picture by picture. What a precious soul. I want her to come back! But I also know she’s not gone. I’m so glad she’s with you and you feel this. Bless your beautiful transparent heart, Elise. You and Maya are a gift of love to all of us.
love,
Yael
Beautiful.
Elise,
For some reason I went to bed Sunday night thinking about the word “shalom” and its meaning. I’ve always thought about words and their meaning, so Hebrew has been especially fascinating to me because of the way words are built: they usually have a three-letter “root” that gets transformed into other words by adding letters and vowels to change structure and meaning.
The song in the video in this post, which I read yesterday morning, is Birkat HaKohanim (the Blessing of the Priests – I don’t know whose version this is, but I’d love to find out). I saw the video a couple of months ago – it was posted, I think, on a memorial page for Maya somewhere online. The original can be found in Numbers 6:24-26 – there are various translations, but it’s usually something like this:
יְבָרֶכְךָ יהוה, וְיִשְׁמְרֶךָ
יָאֵר יהוה פָּנָיו אֵלֶיךָ,וִיחֻנֶּךָּ
יִשָּׂא יהוה פָּנָיו אֵלֶיךָ,
וְיָשֵׂם לְךָ שָׁלוֹם
May God bless and keep (guard, protect) you
May God cause his face to shed light (shine) on you, and be gracious to you
May God turn his face to you
And grant you peace
The root for “shalom” is שלמ (I don’t know how much Hebrew you know, so I’ll just add that for words ending in that last letter, the letter will look like this: ם. But this isn’t a grammar lesson, so we’ll let that go – I just wanted you to see the word in the print above). The general meaning of that root revolves around meanings like “complete” or “whole.” Some words that are derived from this root are “to pay” (complete a transaction), “finished/ended,” “entire,” “intact,” “safe,” “unhewn,” “reconciled” (whole in one way or another), and “peace.” Each word comes with a constellation of ideas and thoughts.
So what are we asking when we ask that God grant you peace? How can this ever be, when there’s a gaping hole in the fabric of your lives? I think that what we ask is that you find your way back to your essential self. Not unchanged, and certainly not unscarred, but your self.
Kintsugi: Broken pottery that has been repaired, but the break, rather than being disguised, is acknowledged. A different way of being whole, complete, and at peace.
Deborah
Dear Deborah,
I love the light you shared on the word “shalom” and also the sharing of the blessing. I will take that in and be with it. I only had my first Hebrew lesson in September 2013. I have barely scratched the surface. It is all so fascinating.
I first learned of the word, “kintsugi” when a friend and colleague walked in the “Walk out of Darkness” fundraising event for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention in honor of our family. Her team was named, “Kintsugi”. Since then, I’ve been moved by the book, “Broken Open” by Elizabeth Lesser, and I’m now reading, “The Broken and the Whole”, by Rabbi Charles Sherman. Kintsugi. I am wondering about what this will look like for me.
Your reflections are a gift. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece. Thank you for sharing your words. I am right beside, witnessing you being in this moment.
Love you!
Every posting is precious. I read them all. Some of them stop me in my tracks and I have to sit for a while, just hold my little piece of the love, the pain, the missing, the mending, until I can regroup and move on. I am sure this is but a fraction of what you experience, Elise. When I don’t comment, it is not because I am not reflecting on what you have written.
Your silk analogy is so apt, the fragility of how you feel just barely held together. Recognizing the gift that is this new experience is a blessing.
I readily recognized the “Priestly Blessing” in the song and am appreciating Deborah’s comments. Finding your way back to whole – but a new whole, a new you with the tear not hidden but honored.
Much love,
Bonnie
I weep as I see the joy pictured here, and the reminder that Maya no longer walks amongst us. My heart beats with your’s as we look through the thin veil that separates us from our daughters. Shalom. Namaste.
With love and light