I love you when…
Journal entry from June 2006.
Dear Maya,
We have much of your art work hanging on the walls of the house. Yesterday, you had a pen in hand and started writing on a piece of your art that you created last year. It was a very innocent act, yet I over reacted and yelled at you to stop. I really hurt your feelings. I had to wait for a while after your tears drained.
We took a tub together; at that time I was able to peacefully explain to you what was going on for me. I was wrong to yell. I explained to you that was something that you did when you were four. You were only four once. I love the work you did when you were four. I love the work you do when you are five. You listened to me. I continued, “Maya, I loved you before you were born and in my belly. I loved you when you came out. I loved you when you were a baby (motioning rocking); I loved you when you were one…I love you now. I’ll love you when you will be a teenager. I’ll love you when you’ll be a grown up too.”
You listened intently. You then responded, “Mommy, I loved you when I was in your belly AND you were in your mother’s belly. And mommy, I will love you when I’m in my grave.” Maya, I’m beside myself. You took this very concrete concept and brought it to a completely different dimension. Are you a Buddha? Some sort of divine guru? This response from a five year old girl just blew me away.
I continue to be blessed to share this journey with you.
Love,
Mommy
You are so very courageous, Elise! Honoring the light within you! Thank you from deep within my soul.
I would love to have a dialogue with you about the word, “courageous.” Sometimes I get confused when I hear this word. Thank you for honoring my light, just reflecting yours, Elayne!
Dear Elise, Thank you for sharing these with us…..you are shedding more light on the nature of love which, for me, is what these posts contain. And thank you for sharing these most deep feelings which make us more sensitive to our own. With love and gratitude!
Your posts are heartfelt and wonderful to read. I hope you know all moms yell and say things they regret. I’m sure Maya knew you loved her. I hope you don’t get caught up in what you feel you did wrong and celebrate what you did right and the love and good times you all shared. I’m sending you hugs.
Thank you Diane, I know that we all make mistakes. Though feeling bad at times about the mistakes I made, I also worked toward embracing the opportunity to show our children that it was part of being human. It was what we did after our mistakes that really mattered. How could we right the wrongs? That’s where the lessons would lie. And I like receiving virtual hugs.
Through the tears and pain the heart reaches back to beautiful memories to hold close and ahead to some bit of understanding, comfort and hope. I am so blessed to have known Maya during this leg of her journey. Such an old soul. And I am thankful to you for sharing this part of your journey.
Thank you, Lilly.
That is so profound, Elise….
Yes Bonnie, so very profound.
Beyond…
Dear Elise,
What a lovely entry, and what love it takes to share it openly and generously with us! Your voice is so clear, as is Maya’s, and they ring with the truth of gentle parenting.
Thank you, again, for the brave work you are doing.
Dear Elise, One of the things Ibrahim’s father shared with me was his belief that children are angels–malaika–who are still able to listen to and converse with the Spirit in other realms. Ibrahim has proved this to me time and again over the years. I can see that Maya, too, was and is malaika. I’m so grateful for what you are sharing with us here. May it bless you as you bless us.
Love, Maura
Maura, I love that you shared “Maya, too, was and is…” That means so much to me. Thank you.
Wow, thank you for sharing this. Beautiful.
I’m reading these all. And I’m continuing to wonder what is life and how may I live my life to equal this miracle. You and Maya are inspirations. Thank you. Love to you and your family. Love, Sam
Thank you dear Sam. And trust me, the love that we’re receiving helps.
Dear Elise, Thank you so much for sharing these very personal anc beautiful journal entries. Makes me wish I had such lucid memories of Jakob. The love that surrounds Maya is palpable. The recent struggles my 15 y.o. son and I have been going through cause me much concern and take on a new dimension in light of Maya’s experience. I wonder what I should be doing as a single mother of an only son to help make him feel better and I haven’t a clue. I feel I am making a multitude of mistakes and yet people tell me I’m a good mother…but I tend not to believe it because he’s stuggling so…but they have their own journeys that we are not privy to and it’s painful and scary to let go. I feel deeply for you. My sister Eve took her own life in 2011 and we will always be completely baffled and saddened by it. I am sorry I haven’t kept in touch over the years. I don’t think you live that far away from me.
Dear Gita,
I’m so sorry to hear of Eve’s passing. And I wish, oh how I wish I had answers for you regarding Jakob. I’m sure you are a good mother. I’ve been told that I am and was a good mother. (This topic alone will be worth a blog entry.) We need to make a big shift in the teen culture. One where it’s safe for the teens to reach out and ask for help, or to let adults know if their friends are in need. I’m with you, Gita.
Dear Elise, Thank you for sharing. These words, these pictures . . I don’t know what words can express my feelings, but reading your entries over and over again, and staring at these photos . . well, your grace, your insights, your willingness to share . . . thank you. You are so special.
Dear, dear Linda,
It has only been possible to do what I am doing because of this incredible supportive community. Thank you deeply for the loving pillar that you are.
Elise, thank you for sharing this memory of you and your beautiful daughter. It took my breath away. Your strength is amazing. Love to you and your family.
Dorothy, I am touched. Thank you.
for a five-year-old child to envision the concept of a grave, and what she might think there, to me shows that our Maya is an evolved being who exists beyond time and space. That is so comforting as it means we can still access her.