Anger alongside the beauty
The cherry blossoms on our tree opened today. Typically, this is a joyful day. I’ve been determined to keep joy in my life. I have pushed myself to engage in activities that I love. I go to dance class, which feeds me on many levels, surround myself with beauty while taking hikes, get my hands in the earth when possible, and I work, which is so meaningful to me. For the most part, it’s been helpful. But today was different. The last week or so has been different. While being struck by the beauty, I’ve also been hit with anger.
Anger is not a place that I’ve ever felt at home. I haven’t visited anger much over the last six months. When I would go to that place, this emotion would typically be directed towards the culture, social media, texts, social expectations and the drugs. This anger has fueled my passion to work towards change. But the anger that I felt last week during the beautiful full moon, and now with the cherry blossoms bursting in our yard is at Maya.
Cherry tree out front, and an orchard a mile from home
I am holding you through your anger. I am reading your words and I am with you. I wish I could do more because my heart breaks.
what Ruth said. Love you.
Elise I honor, as always, your honesty. Recognizing, and sharing, this very real and important part of your process reflects your courage. As women we are not encouraged, or taught, to express anger in healthy and safe ways. So often, just naming it can help.
I have such appreciation for your doing so.
Love love love you.
Elise, as difficult and maybe confusing as this must be, I’m glad you’re allowing yourself to feel it. Because it’s there and will not be denied.
Deborah
Xoxoxoxoxoxox
Elise, I think of you often. From my own experience with loss, I can only say that feeling anger is normal. As for myself, I have certainly felt and continue to feel anger at times, but it is also quickly followed by guilt and sadness. Very confusing! Be kind to yourself Feelings are never bad, it’s what we do with them. And you are doing so much. Love to you, Janet
Thinking of you all so much today. The anger is very understandably there, and does not diminish your boundless love and compassion.
xoxoxo
Thank you, Elise. I support you in naming and expressing your anger at Maya, just as it is. One of the concepts about anger that helps me: it is a part of our life force. I am struck by the contrast yet connection of anger and cherry blossoms budding simultaneously.
With huge love and soft embrace, Sarah
It is actually the cherry blossoms that fueled my anger. Maya and I always would marvel together at so much beauty around us. For instance, this time of year, I’d always find myself pointing out the blossoming trees; Maya would share the wonder of clouds drifting by. Other times, the snowfall or the autumn leaves. We really did enjoy bathing in such beauty. So a part of my anger is the voice of, “Maya, how could you leave this amazing life? Look what you did! And look at the deep, deep sadness that we are all carrying because you took your life. I am mad at you!”
Of course you feel angry. Who wouldn’t? The anger is a natural extension of the great love between the two of you. Eventually anger will fade, and you will be able to forgive her, but for now it is a real feeling that is healthy to express.
All my love xoxox
Elise I am almost relieved that you are at least somewhat angry, as hard as it might be. Thank you for your honesty and your persistence in plumbing the depths of your being.
With you again. Naming it, Feeling it, stating it here. This is Big. Holding you and Releasing. So much Love.
I am loving all the parts of you that need expression. I am with you every step of the way, regardless of what may emerge. For now I honor your anger as well as everything that goes along with that…
And of course your deep deep sorrow and “unspeakable love”.
“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief…and unspeakable love.”
— Rumi
XO ,
Susan
i am very grateful to you for your honesty. Reminding me what to be really angry about and what can be less. I read your words and hear how every second of unfolding beauty the two of you shared. Not missing a one. Your dear Maya, the now blossoms noticed by just you, I see them too. I want you to know I’m hugging you. Maybe you danced today, but if not you will dance another Sunday. Be with both the beauty you refuse to ignore and the anger as well my Friend.
Mmmm….. ANGER…… It is an emotion that contains a physical cost, if not expressed Elise. Of course you just have, here on this page. To be on the verge of truly and deeply coming face to face with your anger towards Maya, is a huge blessing. In my experience, anger is the doorway to RAGE, another piece of your experience. You live in the perfect location to express it in whichever way it feels like it wants to come out. I went through three years of rage, about twenty years ago. I found my voice hidden within it. I’d be driving to work, and would sense a wave emanating from my bowels, and as I’d watch it rise higher and higher within me, it would become a tsunami of rage. I found myself unable to contain it, and so I’d allow the sounds of my rage to pass through my hara, then my heart, and throat chakras, until it exited my being, my cellular being in the most amazing ways. Sometimes it was gutteral growls, deep deep wails, grunting, waves of grief and sorrowful pain expressing itself to itself. In time, the rage and sorrow became lighter and the sounds sweeter. I felt relieved of so much within. May your journey inward take your emerging anger and then rage, outward, forever. Then the next layer of your journey will emerge. Forgiveness cannot emerge through the anger. It takes time, and time is the one thing you’ve graciously given to yourself in order to heal. I send my love and blessings as a reminder that I AM WITH YOU <3
Since reading your post on anger, I have felt such love and compassion for you. Anger is such a powerful force, a life force energy ~ so important to give space to it’s voice. Thank you for the courage to share it, and it’s beautiful to read such caring responses to your post. With loving kindness, Cindy
I am reading all your posts and send my love. You are so brave Elise and so loving. In grief I have sometimes had anger, too.It goes like,”How could you not be here?” Yes, so hard to accept when you can’t do something together, in the dear together.
Oh my dear Elise. How brave you are to express your truth. Holding you so deeply in my prayers and sending 💘
Dearest Elise,
Your loving and insightful friends have articulated so exquisitely all that I feel. All I can add is that I love you deeply and dearly.
Jody
The Lord will give you strength.