Peepers
Peepers. They mark the passage of time for me. We haven’t had a real winter this year. And though spring has not officially hit, the sound of the peepers has always been a big landmark. I did smile inside and out when I heard them today.
Now, this bit about time; it is so elusive. I cannot believe that the fall passed. The winter, as mild as it was, passed too. We’re approaching spring. When Maya died, I did not know that I could make it to the next day. I didn’t think about the next month, let alone season. Yet here I am. I’ll say that it is remarkable (not in a bragging sort of way, but I really did not think it was possible…seriously.)
I’ve been thinking about the day that each of my children was born. There’s no other love like it. How could there be so much love? Yet there was. And there is. It seemed impossible to love any more than that moment. As time went on, I did love deeper, wider and though I would not exactly say it was more, I felt the expansiveness of it.
This is a bit like the hole in my heart. For as much love that I have, I have that sadness. And as the days go on, the hole deepens. To think about the passage of time going forward, a year, ten years, thirty years, how can I carry the depths of this sadness? This honestly seems unbearable to me.
As I ask this question, I am also answering it. Day by day, moment by moment, breath by breath. That is how I continued since October 2. That is how it will have to be going forward. Holding and honoring the hole, feeling both the pain and the love and smiling at first sound of the peepers.
Photo of Maya on our rope swing, March 2009
I imagine time itself will confer the resources you will need. And the hole will not only deepen with time, it will also change in other ways.
I repeat you are a strong family and you can overcome any hard moment together with your family, maya included.
I am so grateful that you have been able to share the depth of the journey of losing your beloved Maya. My heart sends you love.
Thank you Chana for reading and staying connected.
Dearest Elise,
I too love the first sound of the peepers, which usually makes me shout “hallelujah!” — probably for having survived winter [even our non-winter]
the hole of sadness… not only missing Maya, but not seeing how she would be at 16, 26, 36 …
Nadya and I have had dreams about her… in one of mine, I am on a schoolbus and she gets on (she’s about 6 or 7 years old); she is dressed in purple tights and top.
I tell her “no, this isn’t the right bus … I take her hand and lead her out, to where you, Mathew, and Adin are waiting for her.
love
Leslie
Oh, thank you for sharing. I wonder what feeling you had in the dream, or afterwards.
Ah Elise, thankfully we only have to feel this grief, despair, bleakness one moment at a time. To try to imagine how it will be in the future is unimaginable. You breathe one moment to the next, holding on for all you are worth.
Thank you for your sharing, for continuing to allow others to give you strength when you have none left. I do hope to see you soon
With love, Jennifer
Holding on indeed.
Thank you and love, Elise