A Year
And so. Here we are. Has it really been a year? Many, if not all of the same thoughts, questions and feelings that were alive for me on October 2nd, 2015 have not quieted one little decibel. They scream and echo inside of me constantly.
“How could this be?”, is one that continues with practically each breath I take. Maya! Of all people! Shining Maya, shining inside and out! Didn’t Maya have a wonderful, full life? Wasn’t communication open enough? What did I/we miss? Didn’t she have the supports and tools she needed? Wasn’t there enough love? How could this be?
“There’s something much bigger here.” In fact, whatever it is, I’m convinced that it’s huge. I do not accept Maya’s death and cause of death at face value. I feel as if there is something beyond what we know at play, and I’m stretching with all of my being to figure it out.
“What about destiny, fate?” Was this meant to be on some level? Of course, as a mom, whose children mean the world to her, I shout a resounding, “NO!!!” A child is never to predecease their parents. I know that accidents happen. And disease. But I keep circling around to what about a soul’s journey? Related to this, how much does choice weigh in here? Questions about Maya’s soul choosing us and we choosing her for this path. It’s all so curious to me.
I have been a believer that with challenges, come lessons; with crisis comes opportunity. “What are the lessons for me here? for my family? for our community?” I am stuck here. I don’t believe that losing Maya was or ever will be worth any lessons yet to unfold.
With all of these questions, there are some things that I have come to know.
It was the drugs. Maya was not of clear mind. If she had not been on those drugs, she would never have taken her life.
The only way through it is to be in it. I have never felt so much pain. In those moments, hours, sometimes days of agony, I feel as if there is no getting out. I feel, “done”. I cannot take it. But there I am. Taking it. I speak of waves; they make for a very good analogy. I’ve been thrown under by ocean waves and they are so powerful that there is no fighting them. This grief at times feels like a tsunami. It is a wonder how humans can endure such pain.
I am determined to live my life fully. That means, to find a way to find some joy. This takes work. It is a discipline to start the day. I push. I spoke of being done a moment ago. I know that I’m not done. I have work to do and a life to live. Inside this life, I am working to find moments of beauty, joy, laughter and connection. I am thankful that they are there. I am grateful for memories and I stretch to make new ones.
My belief in love goes beyond anything I’ve experienced before. The love I have for Maya and actually feel from her are so palpable. I also know deep in my heart that we are being showered with love; near and far. This is palpable too. It’s actually quite extraordinary. I do feel the love pouring in and it is what keeps me going. Honestly.
I keep circling around to life’s mysteries. When having a discussion, seeking answers, Rabbi Rena shared that there is one thing that she knows to be true. It is the mystery of life. As frustrating as this is, I get it. We will always have questions. Many of these questions will always remain unanswered.
It’s interesting to me that this first anniversary of Maya’s passing falls on Erev Rosh Hashanah, the eve of the New Year. What does this New Year hold? A year ago, I never thought that I’d be here to ask this question. I could not see beyond the moment to the next day. And here we are. It has really been a year.
I miss her so.
Dear Elise, I seem to have fallen sick during the day yesterday and had an uncomfortable, restless night last night, and found myself on the couch this morning awaking with a very restless mind. And one of my first thoughts upon waking was of the date today and of Maya. And I remembered the devastation I felt when I first heard the news while at work, and the incomprehension and inability to function for the remainder of that day. And all I wanted to do this morning was wrap my arms around you and Mathew and say I love you and I understand….
Dear dear Elise, you were on my mind and in my heart this morning before I even opened my eyes. I don’t have any words of comfort for you I just want you to know that I’m thinking of you and holding you in love and wishing you to be inscribed in the book of life for a good and sweet year. you are an amazing, beautiful, radiant person and so is Maya.
שנה טובה ומתוקה
באהבה תמיד
יעל
I cannot imagine what it must be like for you even after reading your blogs. You keep looking for reasons, what you might have done differently to prevent Maya’s death. You may continue to blame yourself as I see you doing this past year and G-d knows I understand that. However, Maya was a strong individual as I have learned from your blogs and she did what she wanted to as hard as it is to accept. Can we ever change another as much as we would want to?? You are an exceptional soul and I pray for your peace of mind.
💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙
Dear Elise. Thank you for these beautifully deep words and questions. I also awoke thinking of you three this morning and hoping the profound love and connection from last night would hold you all in ease as the hours pass on this challenging day. Holding you in love in my heart.
My dear sweet amazing Elise, you and Maya have been present in my thoughts, heart and prayers in a big way this past week. I am sending cyber hugs and hands filled with love. thank you for your generosity and courage in sharing on your posts. 💘
Thank you for sharing the stories of Maya’s life this year. I reread the paragraph about the drugs being the cause multiple times and I can’t settle in with the thought that it really could be any of our children that we love and care for as much as you did. Thank you for the foundation which I’m sure will save lives and I hope is giving you answers. Happy New Year to your family. We are always thinking about you ❤️
Yes Tracy,
I agree. It was us. And because it was us, it really could have been (and could be) any of us with children that we love and care for. This circles back to the mystery of it all.
Dearest Elise and family, This past month, you’ve all been on my mind, and in my heart. Suffice to say there are no words to console or ease this reality, which has come down upon your family. I grieved for fourteen years after losing my mother. To hear that it takes time, is not very comforting, and by your experience so far, you can appreciate how time is yet to be a healer in this tragedy. But time is the means by which we measure life, and so it is to be respected. Whether it takes 5, 10, 15, or 100 years to “heal” is not the point, so please take your time, as you are so bravely doing. You are being present, and that is your journey from now on. Honor each moment of joy, remembrance, despair, pain, and understand that within life and death is a mystery yet to be solved by all the seekers and knowers of God. It keeps us humble, and in a place of desiring union. I feel somehow that being the sensitive soul that she was, the pain of separation from the Divine was, in contrast to the flaws of this world, so much easier to move towards and into (by whatever means at hand) than staying here and living through it. You will have your re-union with Maya when it is your time. For now, reunite with her in nature, the dreamtime, through everyday signs and signals. There truly is only this awareness, or lack thereof, that keeps us separate. I’m sure Maya understands that now. Until then, feel and love your way through this incredible sacrifice, that’s been made by Maya, of her life upon the alter of Divine Knowledge. Love and blessings on this day of remembrance and New Year. I am with you, Mercedes
So glad you can feel the love, thoughts and prayers of others. Because they are there. Every day, and especially today. And they will continue to be.
Your strength and courage to be able to take each day, get out of bed and live — and to share and grow — in the midst of such pain is remarkable. Hoping you can find some comfort in the beauty Maya left in this world, no matter how gut-wrenching her leaving is. Wishing you peace ~
My Dear Elise,
Your search for understanding the deep truth and mystery reminds me of this poem/quote::
“Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart. And try to love the questions themselves. Do not Search for answers which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. Perhaps then, someday in the future, you will gradually without even noticing it, live your way into the answers.” by Rainer Maria Rilke
I am right here with believing in the deeper meaning of our souls journeys and the influence of the interplay between all of us. I hold for you that your soul reveals to you the deepest most loving truth that your heart melts into.
I love you and your family now and throughout eternity,
Susan
No Words.
I have been with you.
It is work.
And even on the days when you feel like nothing makes sense at all, you are still doing the work.
You are so very brave.
Thank You dear Elise.
Love,
Darcy
A mother’s heart continues to beat even after it has broken. Maddening and amazing. Deep love to you. To all of you.
Consuelo Avilan
October 2, 2016
You are in my mind today. Although no time or words can really help to ease the loss you bear, just know that you are very close in every thought and prayer. Love, Consuelo
Dear Elise:
I held you and your family in my thoughts today.
Your grace and creativity as well as your commitment to articulate your feelings and experience will continue to carry you through, step by step. There is nothing you did not do or should have done, dear one.
I do believe the pain will recede with time and care.
Love, Patricia
Holding you, Elise, and Mathew, Adin, Sasha and all your family and friends close in my heart today and every day. Loving you, honoring you, supporting you. Thank you for sharing your journey through grief and change and mystery. Know that I am here to listen, to hold your hand, to shower you with love and care.
So much love, Sarah
Sending love and sweetness to you Elise
May you be held in love, this moment and every moment forward.