The youngest is no longer here to ask the four questions
With each choice, I have a finger on my pulse. Which decision is better for me at this moment? I have been pretty in tune with what works for me and what does not. What might trigger the current and pull me under a wave? I never really can tell. And sometimes, I just have to surrender to being pulled. The only way to get through it is by being in it.
The day of our Seder was a day that I was constantly checking in. At one moment, I was clear that I did not want to attend our extended family and friends Seder. The first Seder without Maya. With such raw feelings, my heart was cracked wide open. Should I push myself? Does the wound begin to scab and a scar begin to form with each first? And each second? And beyond? Would putting off the first this year make it more difficult to start next year?
Ritual. Our Seder is a ritual. What makes it a ritual is that it has been part of our custom and that we continue this tradition.
A voice inside told me that I need to go. While there, the currents touched me, but upon our return home, the wave hit. Late at night, I let Mathew know, “I’m not sure how I can go on.” He shared, “let’s just get through the night.” Such wise words and a great reminder. Holiday by holiday, day by day, moment by moment, breath by breath.
Maya reclining at a Seder in 2009 at the Wasser, DeFraia’s house and Maya with Marina at our Seder at home, 2015
Dear Elise.
I don’t know what to say except that I’m with you.
Sending love,
Jo
I wish I could write something inspiring and uplifting right now. I know there’s nothing I can do but send love. I’m feeling it and sending it to you and yours.
Yes, dearest Elise….. One breath at a time….. This moment…. This moment…. This moment. And so it is.
I am always with you. Namaste
I’m listening to you
Sending love and compassion Elise.
Thank you, Elise, and thank you Mathew, for continuing to tell us the truth of your experience. It means more than you know.
Love,
Rabbi Jonathan
My dear Elise. As I told you earlier, all I can say is I love you, deeply.
Jody
dearest Elise, usually your words bring tears to my eyes and today’s did too.
and again last week, reading the front-page NY Times article on surging suicide rates in all age groups.
Tonight I attend a Seder at Skylake; among the several Haggadahs we will use is a new one on the earth; I look forward to reading it.
Made my first haroset!
with love
Leslie
Elise. Sending my love to you. You are such an amazing woman able to be in touch with your inner self in such a deep way. Wish there was a way to lift your pain. I hope your sharing makes you feel less alone with the enormity of your loss. With much love. Beth
One foot in front of the other dear Elise. If you didn’t go it wouldn’t be tradition for the others! Many hugs!