Receiving

I’ve been learning to say, “yes” in a way that I have never done before. At first, it was “yes” to meals. We actually did not prepare one dinner for over three months. If we did not say that it was time to stop receiving food, there’s a chance that we’d still be eating delicious feasts prepared by a large circle of support. “Yes”, to rides. There was a while that I didn’t drive. I felt like a package at times, being moved from one destination to another. I must admit, I was handled with great care. Yes, to offers of people to receive my phone calls any time of day or night. Yes to gifts of massages and energy healing sessions. Yes to the loving board and staff I work for and with. They have allowed me to take much time to transition back and offer such great support. Yes to the group of people who will show up for minyan and recite kaddish with me. Yes to hikes and paddle board escorts, so I won’t be alone when I’m where I love and need to be most, in nature.

I’ve also asked for help and support in a way that I never have before. “Can you please talk with me on the phone while I’m driving? Just talk about anything. In fact, please make it trivial. I just need to be distracted and get to my destination.” “Can you please join the board of the Foundation that Mathew and I have started?” Can you help organize a fundraising concert? Do a project with the teens?  Please stay connected if you’re moved, by reading this blog.  Can you please sit with my daughter? Can you please sit with me? Help me with a decision? Just listen to me? Don’t call me, just text. Don’t expect me to respond. Please write a letter to the editor, I don’t have it in me now. Please come and interview our family, we want to share our story, Maya’s story. Hold me, please hold me.

During my adult life, I’ve been most familiar with giving. I’m at home with cooking for others, giving the rides, joining boards and committees, making calls, and showing up in all sorts of ways. Oh. This is such uncharted territory for me. I don’t feel myself with all of this saying yes to the goodness of others, and all of the asking and receiving. I know that there is no score keeping here. I will never ever be able to give in return. All I have in me now is to say, “thank you” and “I love you”.

Photos from a trip to Costa Rica, July 2008